Taking Control Page 14

  She looked away for long moments. “No, actually I don’t. But I don’t think it matters whether you’re nice or not. I hate you, remember?”

  “Maybe. But ten years is a long time to hate, and I think you’re tired of hating me.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know what you want here, Declan. Absolution? If so, then you have it. You’re absolved. I forgive you for dumping me.”

  “Maybe I want another chance.”

  Shock flared on her face, darkening her eyes to midnight, and she tugged at the hold of his hand.

  He held on tight. “I know you feel something.”

  She sat back in her seat, her gaze flicking over him. “Okay, you want the truth. Yes, I feel something and that’s the very reason why I’m going to finish this job and then I’m going to get as far away as I can from you.”

  “What happened to facing your fears? I never thought you were a coward.”

  “Well, maybe you never really knew me.” She took a deep breath. “You obviously want a good honest heart-to-heart, get things out in the open. So okay, here’s how it is. Ten years ago you broke me.”

  He winced. At the same time, he was surprised that she would admit that much. Her hand was still in his, and he tightened his grip on her as though she might bolt. “You always seemed so strong.”

  “Maybe I’m a good actress. Oh, it wasn’t all your fault, I was a mess before I met you and—”

  “Why? What happened to you? You never talked about yourself back then.”

  She shrugged, and he was sure she wasn’t going to open up, then she started talking fast, “My parents died when I was ten. I wasn’t really over it when I met you. I blamed myself. They were doctors, working for a charity in Zambia. They took me with them and I loved it. But then I got ill. Malaria. They died in a small plane crash taking me to hospital. I was the only survivor.”

  “Hardly your fault.”

  “Oh logically I know that, but we don’t see things so clearly when we’re young.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, I’m over it. But my point is you were the first person I allowed in, the first person I trusted, the only person I allowed myself to love after they died. And you let me down.”

  “I know.” He ran a hand through his hair.

  “I thought we had something special. Hell, I know we had something special. And you just walked away like I didn’t matter.”

  “You mattered.”

  “Not enough.”

  This was killing him. He hadn’t expected her to be so open, and he had no clue how to deal with it. Also, despite her honesty, there was a sense of separateness to her as if she was already distancing herself. He had an inkling this wasn’t leading up to any sort of let’s-forgive-and-forget-and-fall-in-love-again statement. And that wasn’t how he wanted the evening to end.

  “So you see,” she said, “whatever I feel for you now, whatever I think we could have is irrelevant because I just don’t want it. Yes, you’re a great fuck and no man has ever made me feel the way you do, but I will not allow myself to fall in love with you again. I won’t allow you to break me again.”

  “We’re different people now, Jess. We were kids. Things won’t be the same this time.”

  “No, they won’t because I won’t allow them to be. I’m not sure why you’ve had this change of heart, but really it doesn’t matter. You walked away last time. Walk away again.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Then I will.” She tugged her hand free and this time he let her go. Rising to her feet, she stared across at him.

  Declan pushed back his chair and stood up. No way was she walking out of here without him. “You said until the job was over. We have two more nights, Jess.”

  “You still want to sleep with me?”

  “Hell, yes.”

  …

  She was drained from all the confessional stuff and from fighting her need for him. At the same time, she felt strangely clearheaded. As though setting it all out for Declan had made it clear to her as well.

  Yes, she was a coward.

  But it was a matter of self-preservation. He was a weakness ingrained in her character. Where Declan was concerned, she was all or nothing. She wouldn’t risk all again. So she had to accept nothing.

  But being in contact with Declan and not touching him was driving her insane. How close had she come earlier today to giving in, giving them both what they wanted? What they needed.

  Once this job was over, she would never see him again. It would take time to get over him, to forget, but she would do it. She was strong.

  In the meantime, why fight it?

  As she gave in, a wave of weakness washed over her and she reached out and rested a hand against the tabletop.

  “Let me take you home,” Declan said.

  She gave a quick nod and then searched the room. She found Kim and Dani leaning against the bar, drinks in hand, watching her. “Give me a minute,” she said to Declan and walked across to where they stood.

  “So have you kissed and made up?” Kim said.

  “Not exactly.”

  “You know he likes you,” Dani added. “He’s watching you now. He doesn’t take his eyes off you.”

  “Like a stalker,” Jess suggested, glancing across to where he stood. He looked so beautiful tonight, more like she remembered him from all those years ago. Still in his suit, but his tie was gone and his shirt open at the throat. His perfect image was unraveling. “I’m going to take a rain check on tonight,” she said. “Declan and I have things to…talk about.”

  “Of course you do.” Kim leaned across and kissed her on the cheek. “Call us if you need us.”

  Jess nodded and headed back to Declan. They didn’t talk as they made their way out of the bar and onto the street. She was vaguely aware of Declan’s bodyguards following them, but they kept their distance.

  It was only ten minutes’ walk to her flat, one of the reasons they usually met at that particular bar, and they strolled along in silence not touching. She let them into the ground floor flat and then peered through the window. Steve was outside on the street, leaning against the wall. The other man was nowhere in sight, probably looking around the area. It was weird being on the other side of the bodyguard thing, but then she pushed them from her mind again and turned her attention to Declan.

  He wandered around the small sitting room, lightly touching things as he passed. The place wasn’t much, but it was hers. She’d bought it outright with money her parents had left her. It was small but in a convenient location.

  She shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it onto the sofa. “You want a drink?” she asked Declan.

  He shook his head. “I want you.”

  She forced her lips into a smile. “Well, you can have me. For one more day.” She thought he was going to argue, spoil things, and she wanted this, didn’t want to make him leave. She held up a hand. “No more talking. We’ve said enough.”

  She turned around and headed out of the room, down the hall to her bedroom. Declan followed her in and the door closed. After reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of condoms and tossed them on the bedside table. She hadn’t realized how small the room was, most of the floor space taken up by the huge bed. She liked to sprawl.

  She strolled around the bed, tugging her T-shirt over her head on the way. She toed off her boots and then stripped off her jeans leaving her in a plain black bra and panties. His eyes were fixed on her as she reached behind her and unclasped her bra, then pushed the panties down over her long legs and stepped out of them to stand before him naked. She pulled the band that tied her hair loose so it fell around her shoulders and she ran a hand over her scalp easing the tension.

  He hadn’t moved, his gaze intent as it roamed over her body. “You’re so beautiful.”

  She stepped toward him, her fingers trembling as they flicked open the buttons of his shirt. After dragging it down over his shoulders, she ran her palm over the satin s
kin of his chest, scraping over the nipples to come to rest on his belt. She opened it with fumbling fingers. Heat and need were building inside her, concentrating at her breasts and between her thighs. Finally the belt came undone, and she flicked open the fastener and lowered the zipper.

  He took over then, pushing the pants and boxers down over his long legs, kicking off his shoes, until he too was naked. And so beautiful, he made her chest ache. Her gaze ran down over his lean ridged belly, then lower. He was already fully erect, his shaft vertical against his stomach, long and thick, pulsating under her stare.

  His hand cupped her around the back of her neck, drew her the last few inches that kept them apart. Every nerve tingled, every inch of skin prickling with need.

  Usually the sex was hard and fast, as though they had a point to make, but from the first gentle touch of his lips, she knew tonight would be different.

  He took her mouth with long, slow, wet kisses, angling her head so his lips slanted over hers, his tongue filling her, stroking her everywhere, her lips, her teeth, the sensitive roof of her mouth, until her head fell back and she allowed him to do as he would.

  “So beautiful.” He slid his hands down to her waist and picked her up. For a second he held her cradled against his chest, then he lowered her to the mattress, coming down beside her. “I need to be inside you so much. I’ve been going mad these last few days, seeing you, not touching you.”

  She watched as he tore open a condom packet and rolled it down over his erection. His hands skimmed down over her body, tracing the shape, as if fixing it in his memory. She kept her eyes open because she didn’t want to miss a second of this, even when he kissed her again and she could see the black ring around his silver irises, the faint shadow of stubble on his cheek.

  He shifted to lie over her, his weight balanced on his elbows, one knee pressing between her thighs, widening her legs. She felt the broad head of his cock, scalding hot, push between the folds of her sex, sliding against the slippery wetness until it found the entrance to her body and hovered there. She shifted her hips, restless for more, and he pushed in just a little bit farther. Then he sighed and sank his length into her, filling her completely.

  She’d always played an active part during sex, but now she lay immobile, absorbing the sensations washing through her. The exquisite drag of his cock as he pulled out, the delicious friction as he shoved back in, the almost unbearable pleasure as he ground against her clit with each stroke. He wasn’t touching her anywhere else now, just gazing down into her eyes, his expression almost tortured.

  Tingles were spreading through her body, swirling, coalescing. She could sense the slow, inexorable buildup of pleasure, knew he felt it as well in the tightening of his muscles, but still he kept his strokes slow and steady, until she was shifting restlessly under him, reaching for her release.

  His mouth opened, but she didn’t want words and she wrapped a hand around his neck, pulled him down for a kiss.

  Finally, his spine arched and he came, pulsing inside her, grinding against her, tipping her over the edge, so the pleasure swelled and burst, shattering her into a million pieces.

  Long minutes later, he flung himself onto his side and pulled her hard against him, curving his big body around hers, fitting her against him. Just a few minutes and she’d tell him to leave. But the sleepless nights caught up with her, and wrapped in his arms, she drifted off into sleep. She had no clue how much later it was when she woke again to waves of pleasure undulating through her body. Declan was still behind her, one big hand cupped her breast, rubbing the nipple, the other was between her legs. One finger was inside, stroking her inner walls while the pad of his thumb traced lazy circles over her clit. As if he sensed she was awake, he increased the pressure, pushing another finger inside, massaging the swollen bud. She didn’t fight the swell of pleasure, just let it wash over her in warm, delicious waves.

  While she still pulsated from her orgasm, he withdrew his hand, lifted her thigh, and pushed into her from behind. She gasped as he filled her, then gave herself over to the pleasure. His fingers tugged at her nipples, pinching and then soothing, while his mouth and tongue traced wet patterns on her neck and her shoulders.

  As the tension built, he touched her lightly between the thighs and she came again, feeling his cock swell, then pulse with his own release.

  She lay, half beside him, half beneath him. Some inner sense was warning her that she needed to move, but this felt so perfect, so right and instead, she pushed back against him as he wrapped his arms around her.

  “I love you.” The declaration whispered across her skin, sank into her mind, and she had to blink back the tears.

  At least he couldn’t see the effect his words had on her. Because if he did, she doubted she would ever make him go, and suddenly she needed him gone.

  Because she could feel herself cracking and breaking all over again.

  She wiped all expression from her face, pulled herself free, and sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees. “It’s time for you to go.”

  Shock flared in his face, followed by a flash of anger. “Are you telling me you feel nothing?”

  She bit her lip. “Didn’t you listen to a word I said earlier? It doesn’t matter what I feel. I won’t allow this to go any further. I can’t.” Maybe it was time for those tears after all. She blinked, allowed one to roll down over her cheek and he almost recoiled in horror.

  “Jess?”

  She sniffed.

  “I did this to you? Talk to me.”

  She swallowed. Maybe it was time to tell him the rest. “Did you ever wonder why I was coming to see you that night? The night I had the accident.”

  “I presumed you were just coming to try and patch things up.”

  “I was pregnant.”

  His face went blank. “What?”

  “Only a few weeks, but I’d taken at least three tests.” And God, she’d been so happy, thrilled, excited at the thought of Declan’s baby. She’d known he would do the right thing, wouldn’t abandon them, and by that point she would have done anything to get him back. She didn’t want to be that person again.

  “What happened?”

  “I lost it.” And only then had she realized how much she had desperately wanted the baby and not just as a means of keeping Declan.

  “In the accident?”

  “Maybe. But the doctor said it might have happened anyway. It does sometimes, and it was so early, just a handful of cells.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t know about the miscarriage when you visited. I was still in shock from the accident. Then you said it was over…again. And I realized I wanted you to stay because you wanted me and not because it was the right thing to do. But after I got out of hospital, I was hurting and I needed you so badly. I would have even accepted the friendship thing at that point. I was so pathetic.”

  “And I was gone.”

  “You were. I saw Rory and he basically told me to take the hint and leave you alone. Anyway, I had no way of contacting you so I decided to take his advice. But it hurt. So excuse me if I don’t want to lay myself open to that again.”

  “It wouldn’t—”

  But she’d had enough. “Please go, Declan. Please. I can’t take any more.”

  He looked at her for an age longer, then gave a brisk nod of his head. “I’ll go, as long as you promise you’ll come tomorrow night.”

  Tomorrow night was his father’s birthday, and there was to be a big party at the club. The last night before Declan was due to give evidence at the trial. And then this would all be over.

  “I’ll be there.”

  He rolled to his feet, raked a hand through his hair—it was growing longer—he hadn’t had it cut since they’d met again, and now it tousled over his forehead. Naked, he was spectacular, and she didn’t try to look away. Would she ever see him like this again? The thought that this might be the last time was like a black cloud engulfing her mind. But that on
ly made her more determined to get out before she went beyond the point of turning back.

  He picked up his clothes, and dragged them on, sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his shoes, and then his gaze fixed on something on her wall.

  She followed the look and her breath caught in her throat. Declan rose slowly to his feet and took a step closer, then reached out and unhooked the frame from the wall, examined it closely.

  “My father gave you this?”

  “That day I went to see him. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  He gave her a look as if to say she was crazy. “You’ve had this for over ten years, you put it on your goddamned bedroom wall, and you say it doesn’t matter.”

  She had no clue how to answer. Unfortunately Declan wasn’t quite so reticent.

  He shook his head. “I can’t believe he gave you this.” He waved the check in her face.

  “He was doing what he thought was right for you.”

  He gritted his teeth. “How the fucking hell dare you defend him?” He pulled the frame apart, took out the check, and tucked it into his back pocket. “Just make sure you’re there tomorrow night. Or I’ll come looking.”

  And he was gone.

  Chapter Twelve

  Declan hovered outside the bedroom door, unsure whether to go back in. But his brain was about to explode. And he needed out of there before that happened, causing who knew what damage.

  Except for that one brief interlude with Jess, all his life, he’d kept his emotions under rigid control. Not allowed himself to feel, done his goddamned fucking duty. Done what his father expected of him.

  Now that control was slipping away.

  She’d been seventeen years old and pregnant with his baby. And he’d walked away. She’d had a miscarriage and endured it alone. Because he’d been too much of a pussy to go after what he wanted.

  He couldn’t believe his own father had given Jess money to leave him alone. Except who was he kidding? His father was a ruthless bastard. Always had been. But it was hardly his father’s fault—well not all of it. He’d been the one to walk. But he wouldn’t do that a second time, no matter what she believed she wanted.